One Day, One Room

What’s Left

dearoldlove:

I no longer search for you in crowded spaces or hope to get a catch-up call. I no longer bring you up in conversations or wish bad things upon you. I no longer have your old t-shirts or letters. All I have left is to wish you would leave my dreams alone.

Short and to the Point

I think today’s a stream of conscious type of today. I did a lot…kind of.. and just feel like writing some of it down. I taught one of my friends to reverse and reverse park. Took her to the DMV and she got her license…although she hit a cone..lol.

One of my other ‘friends’ has just been pissing me off lately. She complains so much about the fact that she has no friends other than like 1 or 2 people who really understand her. Umm. Hold up. You would probably have friends if you did act like such a jerk in the past. You can’t treat people the way you did and expect to be left with friends. I’m surprised you have as many as you do. And furthermore, you can’t expect to have friends when you’re up your boyfriends a** all  the time.  With the way you treat him…I’m surprised he’s still there as well. 

I cooked dinner for the first time in forever. I wanted to play piano today and didn’t. I really want to talk to someone….the latter. Idk why. Not for the reasons most would think. Just…to ask…there are so many questions. Many I just want to know…some I don’t have the right to know…some I still do.

And also, I’m doing homework right now…and not. 

“Sometimes there are no words. No clever quotes to neatly sum up what’s happened that day… sometimes the day… just… ends”

…and I threw us into the flames

I find the other crossing my mind at the most random times. He’s shown up in my dreams a bit recently. Last night included. Although…he wasn’t actually in the dream. The dream centered around a conversation between me and one of our friends, one of his roommates now, about him. I used to have to fight the urge to text or call  him when I was upset about someone else. Those were some of the worst nights. And I knew he’d answer…and be there…out of some twisted need for redemption. To make what he did okay. He’s just as selfish as I am.

But I digress, and that will NOT happen… again. I listened to a message by one of our leaders back at my home church and found the perfect quote for what I did in those months we weren’t together before Fall11 semester started, and for the first situation too. She said “the problem is, we go back and play with the ashes of the things we burn.” The thing about playing with ashes…is that the stuff transfers. Even after you’ve left again, you carry it with you and it eventually gets to your friends and family and you’ve dirtied and tarnished and devalued things that had nothing to do with the situation because you couldn’t have just LEFT it there.

And now…now I don’t know what I’m doing…being selfish again I guess. Very selfish.  But he’ll learn…and that’s just where I am right now.

“You’re like hot chocolate. You’re somewhat dependable..at least…you’re not going anywhere. But in the summer you seem pointless, and when I’m not cold or lonely I’m okay without you, and I can’t be with someone I only need when it’s snowing.”

I set fire to the rain…

My dreams have been so annoying lately. My head is all over the place. I haven’t talked to him in over a week…seen him, longer than that. And…I’m okay with it. I don’t think about it as much anymore….and its kind of out of sight, out of mind. But I can’t deal with where our relationship was and how no matter what nothing would change. Whose fault that is….it’s both. It’s timing, it’s personality, it’s vanity. It’s going back to the dumpster for things we were supposed to have thrown away ages ago. It’s letting someone ruin you past recognition….past repair. Past being able to let it go.

First, Again

dearoldlove:

I am so unbelievably grateful for what you gave me. I can now say that I have felt true love. And I have also felt true heartbreak. I can only wish that I will get to experience the first at least once more in my life, and never again the second.

Drained

dearoldlove:

I’m sorry I gave up on you. I never meant to. You were just sucking the life out of me. Draining who I was. 

Lists and Things Before the Apocalypse

I went out to eat with my parents today, which I guess is for the last time before I go back to Athens. My mom asked my dad and I if we had any resolutions or goals for the year. None of us had really thought about it. So I decided to come up with some. Just things I want to do this year…some before my birthday…while I’m still young and naiive and allowed to make stupid mistakes; And some before the end of the year…before the world ends I guess. lol.

- Compose a song

I say compose and not write because I don’t feel compelled to have lyrics to the song. I’ve played piano for about 6 years…and never truly tried to come up with my own piece.

- Live out my character card for the year

Every Christmas our church gives out these cards for all our church members. They are all different and all randomly selected. Mine this year was “Forgiveness: Clearing the record of those who have wronged me, and not holding their past offense against them” I don’t know what in store for me this year to have gotten this card..but I guess I have some character work to do.

- Find a church or youth group in Athens to call home.

It’s so much easier to walk in faith with God while you’re home, surrounded by friends and family and your church - which to me are all the same thing. Being at UGA has really taken a toll on me…especially with the lifestyle I’ve been living. I can’t say how much that’ll change…but I do know that I am tired..and this is the first step.

- Prioritize God back into my life

The area I want to do this the most in is with my tithe. I am a broke college student. The economy is terrible. But how can I expect to do well when I’m continuously robbing the one person that controls it.

- Do at least 1 new thing every week

Try a new restaurant, a new study place, read a new book, play a new song. I think that trying to do something everyday would get either tedious or just too much. But life is meant to be lived, and each week should not be a revised version of the last.

- Stay up and watch the sunrise (again)- preferably after having climbed a top a UGA building.

Its a good thing to do every once in a while. You learn a lot about people.

- Play piano for someone 

I hate playing piano for people I know…especially just one person. It scares the mess out of me. Its always different playing for an audience, and playing for an audience of 1. Besides when my parents used to make me do it… I’ve only voluntarily done it once, last year, for Eric.

- Smile at a stranger everyday

People need more happiness in their lives, and I’m a generally happy person. Hopefully I don’t run into too many creeps

These are just some thoughts…the new thing every week I think will be super fun… i’m going to learn a magic trick:)

But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
- Romans 8:24-25

Dreaming with a….

I’ve had some of the oddest dreams the past couple days. The one that stuck out the most was New Years Eve night… or morning I guess. A lot of the dream is hazy..like most dreams I guess. But really, most of the content of the dream is insignificant. There was a point where we were together…and that moment, and the feelings in that dream from that moment, were what stayed. I wonder how strongly you have to feel about something for it to transfer from your dreams into reality when you wake up. Or maybe you already have the feelings…just latent…waiting to be realized. The thing is..it wasn’t something clichéd… like realizing how I really felt about him, or any nonsense like that. The feeling wasn’t even happy. It was a love…but a love so intense, so strong, it was pure agony. It was like staring at the sun. It’s beauty brought pain, and inevitable destruction. The moment was overtaken by sadness, and anger in the knowledge that it must be destroyed. Its beauty too extravagant…taunting. It was evil. The kind of evil you wanted to allow, because it didn’t seem evil. The opposite even- it looked …..perfect. Like, looking into the eyes of a loved one as you were dying, only, they were the one killing you. Imagine that moment…and then imagine waking up, and the first thing you felt was that pain. It made me want to cry. I don’t know why I had the dream…or why it was about who it was- I can’t even give some grand summary of what I learned from it. I haven’t learned anything- still quite confused actually. But I think i’ll start beginning or ending my posts with quotes… so here’s todays

“I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, That which to me, is the only sensible way to love”

-Françoise Sagan

2012

So in true fashion..for what I think is the 4th year, I spent my new years with Iesha and Helen. It was a great night. But now,  I’m home and i’m feeling some sort of way, and I can’t figure out why. I decided for the new year to start this blog/journal thing over. I’m tired of complaining about things in my life that are out of my control. It does no one any good and leaves you more bitter in the end. Things happen…people change…friends come and go. But..if there’s one thing I’ve learned this past year about life, it’s that it goes on. I’ve met so many new people who have changed my life in extraordinary ways. I got to learn what it feels like to have siblings, and to be pushed farther than I ever thought I could go. I got over someone who a year ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without. I met people who changed my outlook on life. I ended the year on an odd note. Confused about what to do…with my life, relationships, school. Some things are coming together while others are falling to pieces miserably. But, its a new year.

And everything happens for a reason.